Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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