dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
