Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
