my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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