I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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