I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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