she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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