I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize