How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
