the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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