If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
