I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
