I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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