i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
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So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm just crazy horny about you
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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