Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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