if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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