Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize