So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
