That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
