I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
