drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
