well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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