I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
And then he peed in my hair
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