Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
