when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
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So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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