There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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