i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
