i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
