Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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