Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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