Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
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She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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