I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
