Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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