youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
