Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
