there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
