She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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