if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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