There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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