His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
