worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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