Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
