dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
