My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
