onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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