You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You were trust falling into bushes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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