my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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