i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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