i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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