Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize