the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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