its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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