All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
